If you're in the middle of cooking dinner, and your can opener all of a sudden stops working. Then you might be tempted to mockingly refer to it as this.

Damsel in distress? ... --- ... Souls to save? ... --- ... This is the code for survival

You can sit on me, and ironically, I am a discrete word for what comes out of the part of your body with which you sit on me.

Despite my name, I'm probably one of the last places where you'd choose to lay down.

I lock things up tight or help you to run away fast.