What do you call a vampire with asthma? Vlad the

I sink upon this softened place, and soon forget my social grace. I pick my nose, I burp, I fart, good manners quickly fall apart. I veg for hours, remote in hand, with grand intentions left unmanned. I meant to rise a while ago, but here I sit and deeper go.

I’ll scratch at a door when I want to get through, then once you open it, I won’t know what to do.

From the Clever Crossword Clues department: He is one of them.

Three stooges made me an art, with pokes and bonks to spare. Chaplin walked me crooked, Keaton kept a stony stare. Laurel brought the trouble, Hardy wore the blame. When dignity meets gravity, I usually win the game.